Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My dad is at it again
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
That earthquake could have been an email.