Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada