Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Just me?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
79.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?