Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You Might Also Like
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.