Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
We need more people like this.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did