Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I don’t know what to do
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
2023 was just a warmup
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy