*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.