@indigo_raven_

Me too πŸ˜†

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@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@ericsshadow

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@ElisaStoneLeahy

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

@AwedFellow

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@_radsy

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”