Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”