Me too 😆
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.