Me too door. Me too.
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.