me, too, girl. me, too.
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The struggle is real
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise