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My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.