Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.