me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.