me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.


I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.



Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”


And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa


BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add


I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad


Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more


Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”