Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.