Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Just say no
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling