me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Meow
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?