ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
constantly working on myself.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*