*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.