me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.


Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.


“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season


Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.


“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell


Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.


For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.


If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain


Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.