me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.