@MarfSalvador

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

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@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@tmckenna1

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

@TheAlexP

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

@lavendersheeps

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@Trisarahjtops

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.