ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Breaking news:
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again