Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
He just like my cat fr
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.