@spokendamsel This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
@UpsideDad Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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@spokendamsel 
@GrahamKritzer Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
@sixfootcandy Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
@ChaseMit I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
@Browtweaten *At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
@secondofhername What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
@ericsshadow Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
@whatsJo her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
@ScrewedTik 1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
@kvlly Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!