Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?