Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.


Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.


Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.


My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.


“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”


Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”


cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice


Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.


I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen