Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
No chill.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.