Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.


A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.


Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?


We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.


I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.


“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”


And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.