@bingowings14

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

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@Marcmywords2

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

@charliesgonenow

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@That_Damn_Duck

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

@ChaseMit

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

@Reverend_Scott

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.