@bingowings14

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

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@ilovecuredmeats

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@StupiDucker

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

@Elizasoul80

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

@paminski

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@AceOfWords

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

@imskytrash

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

@DameSpunky

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen