me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.


Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*


Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna


I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning


kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it


I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters


When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.


[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”


her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot