me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Covid like
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.