Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[mustard company office]
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot