Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Skills
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets