Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Danger is very dangerous

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.