Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
New menu item
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days