Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
2 years later
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”