@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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@MelvinofYork

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@dafloydsta

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

@ch000ch

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

@Shade510

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@felixoshea

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top