[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.