Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
that wasn’t the question
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My teenage children choosing violence
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what