Me trying to look natural in photos
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.