Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Simple enough.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Care for your back
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children