me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Fruit doesn鈥檛 belong in ice cream. You鈥檙e eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it鈥檚 like you鈥檙e on top of a mountain, inhaling the world鈥檚 largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[Texting]
My Brother: Here鈥檚 pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here鈥檚 pictures of my second breakfast
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
I hate to say I鈥檓 better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
anytime I meet someone who doesn鈥檛 like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner鈥檚 grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back