me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
pelicons
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Yep.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs