Me trying to reach for my goals
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me