ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
i wish i could marry a nap
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”