Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.