Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health


Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.


I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start


{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.


*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*


Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.


me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt


Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.


HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.


Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably