Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Had an epiphany today.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL