Me trying to “trust the process”
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.