Me trying to walk in a dream
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.