me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.