Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them