me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
This squirrel eats better than I do
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Flowers bee like
Blew my mind.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Sponch
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.