@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

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@CornOnTheGoblin

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

@Cpin42

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@panmidwest

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@DoreyZoe

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

@RandiLawson

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!