Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Alexa: *deep breath*
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.