ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.