Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried