ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”