me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me