ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
i’m sure it’s fine
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.