ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now


Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking


when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok


*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!


Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.


Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.


Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.


The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.


I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?