Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people鈥檚 nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don鈥檛 know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macram茅 plant hanger.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Simple enough.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That鈥檚 a button
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I鈥檓 sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If you鈥檙e wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
Me: Hi, I鈥檇 like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.